The PPC are here to protect.

Hmmm... sadly, I can't find the original madness, but no worries. The PPC never fail to provide.

Two words: Canon. Rape.

Story Or Series Title: Elemental Crystals (only available in PPC vision)
Fandom: LoTR
Culprit Author's Name: Sadly, I can't seem to locate her name...

Full Name (plus titles if any): In her words... "Once, once I was the one you knew as Elvira Rainsong. However, I dropped the name Rainsong when I left Mirkwood, breaking with my family. My name know is Elvira Flameheart Magiseer." There's another one, too. Silavren
Full Species(es): Elvira's an elf and Silavren is half elven.
Full Description (include all adjectives for maximum pain): Silavren: "a tall dark-haired girl, dressed in a short-sleeved blouse and a cheerleader skirt. Her hair was braided neatly into a long plait. The strangest thing about her was her bright silver eyes." Get it? Silavren? Silver? Ha ha! Elvira: "was a short elf. Her build was slender and catlike. Her features were generally sharp, with sea-blue eyes. Her long white-gold hair was tied neatly into a ponytail out of her face. She was comparable to a cat in many ways. She moved silently and gracefully, but it was a hunter's movement. She wore the hunters tunic and loose pants, in black and red. In a way, she was pretty. Not the gentle beauties the elves appreciated, nor the quiet, pathetically weak girls the humans loved, but her own sharp, dangerous, catty prettiness. The knives residing at her belt and on her back were highly evident, as she wore no sheath. Her eyes spoke danger."
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Silavren has "several bruises, a black eye, and a cut lip." Why? "I like to fistfight with gangs. I've been fighting with them...oh, five years or so." Because, you see, she's a feminist. We all know that feminists like to pick fights at all possible moments to prove their estrogen superiority.
Special Possessions (if any): Elvira: "the golden pendant at her neck and the golden circlet resting on her head, embedded with a stone like an opal, yet not an opal." An opal, but not, huh? I find that particularly amusing... Also, the Elemental Crystals. Five of 'em. Fire, water, air, earth, and wood. Last time I checked, wood is not an element. Unless you count the Chinese elements, but then she'd have to have a crystal for Iron as well.

Annoying Origin: Elvira was an elf in Mirkwood. Then she left and became the fecking QUEEN OF MAGIC USERS. And dragons. Mustn't forget the cuddly dragons *gag*. Silavren is Aragorn's and Arwen's daughter. (I bet Arwen wishes they had contraceptives in Middle Earth...) She can also use magic and shape shift.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Silavren is Aragorn's daughter. Elvira beats around Legolas for no relatively explored reason, besides that she can.
Annoying Special Abilities: Did I mention she's the "The Magiseer was the most powerful sorcerer in the whole of Middle-Earth, the Ruler of all Magical Peoples of Middle-Earth, the Chosen of the Fates." Never mind, there AREN'T any Fates in Middle Earth...
Other Annoying Traits: Giving feminists, no, their gender a bad name. Beating Legolas around, just because the author is trying to prove how un-Mary Sue her Sue is. Oh, have I mentioned that? Yeah, the author is sick of Sues, so she's writing this story to insult them or something. *Sigh* The irony would be wonderful, if it wasn't so painful. Silavren bitches out her father when he asks her why she isn't more like her sister or mother. Look for it in the "worst part" section. Keeping Legolas and Gimli in Middle Earth after the War of the Ring. Calling The War of The Ring "the Great War". Being a God Player. Bringing Sauron's Heir into the picture (I imagine it's hard to reproduce when you're just a flaming eyeball.)

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

(PPCed for your enjoyment...)


Finally, Gimli voiced the question, in his blunt way. "Gandalf, why are we kept waiting? Are not all of us here?"

Gandalf turned grave eyes over to the dwarf. "There is one missing. The Magiseer. I wonder what could have happened...it is most unusual for her to be late..."

Every elf and dwarf's eyes widened. The Magiseer was the most powerful sorcerer in the whole of Middle-Earth, the Ruler of all Magical Peoples of Middle-Earth, the Chosen of the Fates.

Far above the council, a dragon gagged. "Magiseer? Fates? WHAT bloody Fates?"

"The ones the Suvian invented," grumbled Acacia. "I mean, really. Closest I could think of would be Mandos, and he doesn't go choosing sorcerers..."

Suddenly, there was a sound. The sound of arrows being fired. A red and black dragon flew over and landed in the middle of the council. In a flash, all the dwarves axes were up, Aragorn's great big whacking sword Anduril was out, and the elves slender bows were drawn.

"Great big whacking sword," snickered the large white dragon to the large blue dragon. "Poetry in motion!"

The dragon spoke. It was unusually small, only about ten feet in height, and it sat on it's hind legs. It's tail was fifteen feet long, and it curled about it's tiny body. It's wings were broad, but the right size for its body. Its eyes were blue. It spoke.

"Put your weapons down, and end all spells!" it ordered.

None obeyed. Gandalf laughed. "If you could resume your usual form, Elvira..."

"ELVIRA?!" demanded the blue one.

"I am Elviiiiira, meestress of ze dark," the white one chortled.

The dragon sighed. "Fine, but I much prefer my dragon form, as it is more powerful and intimidating, and therefore better for combat."

"'d be funny if she turns out to be wearing a low cut Gothic dress and have the long black hair."




"End all spells!" She looked up and addressed a small sparrow in the rafters above her. "You too, girl."

Jay eyed the sparrow. "Looks like a tasty snack. Bet it tastes like chicken..."

"You know we don't eat Sues."

"But it's so TEMPTING! Just one little snap-"

"Believe me, I know."

As he tried to remember, every one else watched the sparrow. White light surrounded it, and when it cleared, it revealed a tall dark-haired girl, dressed in a short-sleeved blouse and a cheerleader skirt. Her hair was braided neatly into a long plait. The strangest thing about her was her bright silver eyes.

"Silavren!" Aragorn gasped. "How did you- I expressly forbade you- How did you get here?!"

"Oh, noooooo." Jay snarled and shook her muzzle from side to side.

"Hello, father," the girl, Silavren said cheerily. "I flew, as a blue heron." She sat down in an empty chair.

"Gyah!" said Acacia. "Thou shalt not shapeshift!"

"Heron." Jay grinned. "We could have kidnapped her and given her to Buggy Swires to ride!"

"That would be... interesting," said Acacia. "Yes. Quite interesting, I must say..."

"I said ALL spells, girl." Elvira snapped. "That includes image spells."

"All right, all right..." Silavren sighed. She snapped her fingers, and her image became blurry. When it cleared, she had several bruises, a black eye, and a cut lip.

"You know, let's do that!" Jay said. "Unless you're just dead set on feeding Silvaren to Glaurung too."

"Well, I don't want to get into trouble for bringing an extracanonical character into the Discworld..."

"Wah." Jay sighed. "What a pity. I want to do something creative to her..."

"Can you think of one that won't get us into trouble? I don't want to go back to the Theater of MST."

"You know, I really can't? What a bugger."

"What happened to you?" Aragorn asked, his voice stricken with horror- a reasonable reaction of a parent to finding his daughter all beaten up.

"Father," Silavren began nervously. "Perhaps you should know this one little fact about me; I like to fistfight with gangs. I've been fighting with them...oh, five years or so." She grinned. "I usually win."

Aragorn groaned. He should have been expecting something like this. "Why can't you be more like your mother? Or your sister?"

"Feminist. Rabid. Baaah."

"Disgrace to the species, let alone the gender..."

Silavren snorted. She did a accurate, but cruel impression of her sister. "Oh my god, I broke a nail! Somebody save me! And my dress is ripped! Help! I'm a pathetic stupid idiotic girl who is too weak to defend herself!" she ended the impression, giving her father a look that said 'What, you think I'm that pathetic?'before speaking again. "What do you think I am, a BREEDING INSTRUMENT???"

"This kind of thing being why my father thinks feminists are hateful."

"Poor Aragorn. Why can't anyone get OFF the misogynist trip?" The white dragon glared at her. "Let's just fry her to a crisp and dump her ashes in the swamp."

"Sounds good to me."

"No, of course not." Aragorn said, looking uncomfortable. "But it is your duty, dear, to marry and have children."

"And the midden hits the windmill riiiight... now," said Acacia.

Silavren looked too angry for words. She untied a necklace from her neck. It was decorated with a small impression of a sword, no larger than her pointer finger. She nicked her finger with it, and blood came out, proving the tiny sword's sharpness. She placed it at her wrist right over the vein that pulsed there. "Give me a reason, father. Give me one good reason. The day I am forced into a marriage, I will kill myself, directly or indirectly. That I swear upon... upon my sorcery."

"Don't worry, hon, we'll do it for you," said the white dragon.

"Threatening suicide. How very mature," grumbled the blue.

"Indirectly?" Aragorn raised his eyebrows.

Silavren gave him a you-are-an-idiot kind of look. "If I can turn into a blue heron, I could also turn into a nice plump hare. After that, it's a simple matter of getting in the path of the hunters."

He grew quiet momentarily, before changing the subject. "What did I tell you about wearing those short skirts? You should be wearing proper dresses, not... those."

"How much longer do we have to LISTEN to this?" Jay shut her eyes. "This is painful!"

She gave him another you-are-an-idiot look. "To fistfight, you need as much freedom of movement as possible, or you are beaten. You can't move in a proper dress."

Dragon laughter is quite a strange sound, and Acacia was making it now. "She wears minis so she can fight? You know, dear, there's this wonderful new invention, you may have heard of it, they call it 'pants'..."




This was interrupted by Legolas, who had finally recognized Elvira. "You're Elvira Rainsong, aren't you?" he questioned.

Elvira turned sharp eyes on him. Sharp, mistrustful eyes. "Perhaps I am, and perhaps I'm not. Perhaps I'm neither. (So... you don't exist, then?) But it's not likely I'm going to tell you until you tell me who you are, is it?" she riddled.

He looked surprised. "I'm Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood."

Jay was desperately trying to get headphones on a head the size of a man's chest. "Too... Painful! Must- have- Rammstein!"

"Flaunt your title about, don't you?" she remarked.

"Whaaaat?" wondered a confused Acacia. "By saying it once in introduction?"

"I don't think much of you, PRINCE, but all right, I'll tell you. Once, once I was the one you knew as Elvira Rainsong. However, I dropped the name Rainsong when I left Mirkwood, breaking with my family. My name know is Elvira Flameheart Magiseer."

"I dub thee MUD," snarled the white dragon. "You must have read the books, why can't you choose a proper name?"




Once the had finished, Elvira grumbled out, "No, really. I met a legion coming here. They said something about joining them and I get gold and whatever I want, or if I don't they'll kill me. I refused and they attacked, so I took dragon form. I roasted most of them, but then this BRILLIANT one decided if he could jump into my mouth and stab me with his damned sword, I'd die." She shrugged. "I bit down. He tasted awful." She gagged. "Then I spat him out and beat the shit out of the rest of them."

Gandalf gazed amusedly at her. "There was a time when girls were more...softspoken."

"If only there were a Luthien mini-balrog we could feed her to!"

"Let's check with Miss Cam?" suggested Acacia. "There may be, at that."

"Yeah, well, there was also a time when all elves and dwarves would bow to me, at the very least. There was a time when the Magiseer had a list of titles as long as your arm. There was a time I was known and feared throughout the land. Those times aren't now." she smiled bitterly.

"List of all the people who wanted people to fear them! Morgoth, Sauron, Saruman; am I missing any good guys?"

"Hmm. Ahm. Nope!" Jay hissed at the council. "I don't want to bother with the bloody mini-Balrog."

Aragorn was last to speak. "My messenger tell me of smoke over Mordor. I believe Barad-dur too has been reawakened."

"Well, I want to know what, precisely, is going on?" Legolas said.

Elvira gave him a look. "You haven't been listening, have you?"

"I don't much care for Legolas, but add Unfoundedly Insulting Canonicals to the list?"

"You wait till you see what she does to him," Jay said. "The bloody BITCH."




Legolas glanced at her. "We are not under your command. Stay back, it could be dangerous."

Elvira took a few menacing steps toward him, furious. Her eyes had turned light blue, like ice. Everyone else thought it wiser to sit down. It was rather astonishing that such a small elf could look so much like a full grown lioness with teeth bared, ready to kill.

The dragon spoke for the first time. "You, elf, are in deep shit."

"Yes, that's really appropriate to Middle-earth..."

"You have magic, have you not?" Elvira asked, softly, silkily, dangerously.

Legolas could only nod.

"NO!" Jay snarled, realizing she could not turn up the volume.

"And, therefore, you are part of the Magidom?"

He nodded again. Elvira pointed at him, casting a small spell, and he flew up. She had gained complete control of his body.

"Darth Vaderesque canon mangling bitch!"

"And who rules the Magidom?" she thundered.

"The Magiseer." he choked out fearfully, as Elvira threw him against a wall. He suddenly remembered all those stories about those who had rebelled against past Magiseers. At best, you could expect to be knocked into shape using labour or pain. At worst, torture, then death.

"And her other Sue was so rebellious," said Acacia. "So, the author seems in favor of authority as long as she's in it..."

Silavren began to laugh. To her, it was rather humourous.

Neither assassin, however, was very amused.

"And who is the Magiseer?" Elvira snapped.

"Elvira Flameheart Magiseer." He hit a pillar.

"So who do you serve?"

"Elvira Flameheart Magiseer." He hit another pillar.

"And who is that?"

"You." He was slammed into the ground with force.

"Whom do you serve? SARUMAN!" Jay growled in passable imitation of an orc.

"Scarily similar," Acacia observed.

Elvira smiled. It wasn't a happy smile, it was the kind of smile she smiled after she's killed something REALLY good.

The assassins got the impression that she killed really good things all the time. And kicked dogs randomly.

Her eyes returned to their usual sea-blue shade. "Very good." she said softly, ending the spell and allowing him to get up. He nearly ran back to his seat, helped of course, by the kick Elvira aimed at his butt.

By now, Silavren was laughing hysterically. Legolas looked sulkily at her. "It's not funny!" he said.

Silavren only laughed harder. "No it's not. It's hilarious! A girl two-thirds your size, beating the shit out of you!"

Acacia started repeating "We kill them soon, we kill them soon, we kill them soon..."




Garet nodded and bowed, retreating to the edge of the ring of people, saying "The other Free Peoples have derived their impression of Dragons by the rogues, I would guess?"

"Rogues?" said Acacia in manically cheerful tones. "Like the FATHER OF bloody DRAGONS?!"

Garet nodded to her. "In the dragon society, a magicless dragon is not a dragon at all. They are outcasts. All dragons have magic except for the ones that rebel against the Magiseer. They are deprived of their magic. They become 'Rogues.' A rogue dragon usually goes out then and feeds on villages and such, growing bigger. Smaug was a rogue dragon."

"Oh." Silavren said.

"I want music!" Jay said, clawing angrily at the stone beneath her.

"She most definitely deserves Glaurung."




"Now, this Heir, he'll want basically the same thing Sauron did. Rule of the World, eternal darkness, and whatnot. Without the Ring, the only way he can accomplish this is with the Elemental Crystals.

Jay's claws clenched.

"Yeah, world domination, the usual," said Acacia.

"There are five of them in total, and they can only be wielded by magical peoples, which leads me to believe the Heir isn't 'of Middle-Earth' for I rule the Magical Peoples of Middle-Earth, and I would know if one tried to set himself up as ruler of the world, and I would be killing him right about now.

"Can we kill her YET?"

"I'm not sure if megalomania in OCs is really a valid canon disturbance..."

"Anyway, each Crystal represents and controls one type of Magical Element, Fire, Water, Earth, Wood or Wind. If the Heir can get all five, he can easily take over, so our course is easy to see. If we get the crystals before he does, we can wield them against him, each controlled by a different sorcerer."




They had forgotten to charge them. That was against ALL the rules. Jay considered this for a moment. Then she held up both ziplock bags, and said "Silavren Silvereyes and Elvira Magiseer, I charge you with being Psychofeminists, with being Mary Sues of the nth degree, of shapechanging gratuitously, of detaining to right and noble beings in Middle Earth, of banging one of the aforesaid right and noble beings about like a ragdoll. Actually, that last just applies to YOU, Elvira, as well as being a godplayer, making up fates, making up a title, being a tyrant, being an all around bitch, upstaging the canon characters, making up a sweet and gentle race of dragons, and generally screwing over canon. The penalty was death. We thank you for your time."

And that was that.


Is it against the rules to post the PPC Sues? Normally I wouldn't, but this one was too much to take. She kinda reminds me of my first post, actually. If it is, I'll take this down.