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L gets the stupid and needs help from another stupid detective 
31st-Jan-2010 02:53 am
Story Or Series Title: Sweet Company
Fandom: Death Note
Culprit Author's Name: NewMoonBloodTears

Full Name (plus titles if any): Remi, also known as R and as Yutsume and as Tsume
Full Species(es): Human, I suppose, though I wouldn't be surprised if she turned out to be part shinigami
Hair Color (include adjectives): "long black hair that went to her thighs"
Eye Color (include adjectives): "pupil-less soft blue eyes", "her eyes turning a murderous red" and "ocean blue, pupil-less eyes was revealed"
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Dresses exactly like L, except for her jeans being "tight"
Special Possessions (if any): A letter (an "R"), which is reserved for special detectives in canon.

Annoying Origin: Works with the ICPO. Stated to be the fourth greatest detective in the world (L is all top three, under different aliases, in canon).
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: L knows of her from before but he's never actually seen her face, however she's worked with L on cases through the computer or something. Is Near's cousin. This seems to be a surprise to L. She quickly joins the Kira task force.
Annoying Special Abilities: Dodges bullets at close range. Eyes turn red. A couple of hints are dropped that maybe she can't die but so far that isn't outright stated. Ability to make L blush when she hugs him (canon L shows no shame from walking around chained to another man while being accused of being gay, and countless other things that would faze most people). Ability to make L have trouble finding things that are in his own pockets.
Other Annoying Traits: The usual reality-bending Sue powers so that everyone likes her better than they should upon meeting her and she can shoehorn herself in anywhere with little explanation. Sits like L. Seems to share L's sweets-only diet.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story: (Do NOT post more than half of a chapter, whole chapters, or whole stories, regardless of how short they are)

"Now. I've scedualed an intire case-free week to fly out to Japan." Remi said, obviously irritated.

"What week are you flying out, Remi?" L asked. He could picture an angry face on her right about now.
"L...." She said murderously. Then, she stopped.

"I'm flying down from New York tomorrow."

"I see... Well, it's good to know that finally be able to meet face to face." L smiled to the screen.

Well, beyond the typos and the blandness we've got the first really bad logical inconsistency of the story, L being able to picture Remi's angry face even though he admits he's never seen her face at all.

"Ah, I see. Well... I didn't think your cellphone got this great a distance!" L exclaimed.

"Of coure not, silly. I'm using the plane's phone."

L could just see the sweat drop she had. He laughed a little.

"Ah, I see. Is it okay that I made reservations at a small sushi shop? They know me well there, and know to hide my identity."

In the above snippet we've got L being dumb (earlier in a segment that I didn't copy here he was having trouble finding a cellphone in his pocket, so it's obvious the Sue has some kind of "make L stupid" magic ability). Plus, the Suethor doesn't understand how cellphones work.

We also have one of the worst examples of an anime sweatdrop I've seen in fan fiction. This one is imagined, on a face that can't be imagined by the person imagining it because he's never seen the face.

And it would be completely and utterly out of character for restaurant owners or employees to know who L is. He hides his identity by not telling people who he is and by not looking anything like what the general public expects "L" to look like. He doesn't hide his identity by telling ordinary people who he is and then asking them to hide him.

Next, a mugger with a gun tries to mug her on a plane. Yes, on a plane. As if that's what guys who can manage to smuggle guns onto planes do. When she hands over twenty dollars he is disappointed and the scene ends abruptly in the middle with no resolution. It is a completely random, nonsensical scene that is apparently there only so that we can see the Sue is brave, that she can turn her eyes red, and that she can dodge bullets.


"We've had new information that Kirra resides among those of us in a certain proximity of the Kanto reigon of Japan." Watari explained over the phone. L nodded.

"I see. Well, I must go now, I see a similar figure headed my way." He said. When he looked back up from putting it in the pocket he knew he would remember where it was, he saw the same figure. They wore a black trench coat, and matching hat.

Not only is this an example of terrible, stilted dialogue from both Watari and L (neither would ever talk like that) it also doesn't make sense in the context of the story. No, this isn't Kira. It's Remi.

In the next section, the author gets a main character's name wrong (Matsuda is not Matsura, that isn't even his alias used for undercover Kira work, which is Matsui), and then in the author's note confusingly says L and Light (aka Raito) are the same person. No, no they aren't, and anyone even remotely familiar with Death Note should know they aren't, just like anyone even remotely familiar with Superman knows that he isn't the same person as Lex Luthor. We're talking about the protagonist and antagonist of the series here.


Matsura hurried to get six suitcases full of clothes up the stairs, while L led her into a back room.

"This is where we all work. If you hadn't noticed... we're all still here." L sweat dropped. Remi smiled, as L called the attention of his small group.

Annoying sweat dropping again, and L being stupid and thinking that the Sue is unable to see who is standing in the room right in front of her. Well, I guess you need pupils to see, but the Sue obviously isn't blind from what happened in previous scenes.

"How did you know Near was my cousin?" Remi asked Near.

"COUSIN?" The task force echoed. L laughed.

"Remember when both of you signed up? When you had to fill out the 'family' part of the application?"

"Oh yeah.." Remi sweat dropped.

And this is supposed to be the fourth greatest detective in the world. Yeah. This supposed genius also gets a letter from her mother that seems to have her real name on it. Very, very stupid for someone working with the Kira task force. After her mother's extremely fast pregnancy results in a baby boy, her entire family (including said baby boy and a little sister who seems to be shaping up as an additional Sue) moves in with her, right where the investigation is. Stupidest thing ever, considering the risk they'll be killed and/or used as hostages.

Soon enough, dinner was ready. As Remi's parents sat down to dinner, Marsura and light were missing.

"What's with them...." Remi asked.

"They haven't shown up to the dinner table in weeks...."

L nodded.

"That's kind of suspiciouse."

Considering that Light is the main Kira suspect, and that these are supposedly two geniuses, they should have realized this right away, not weeks later, and been investigating it all that time. Instead, the subject is immediately dropped, and shortly after that Kira kills Remi's parents - not in his signature supernatural heart attack style, but by shooting them!!! WTF!!! Kira kills with his power, not a gun. He wouldn't even carry a gun when L tried to give him one to defend himself in canon, in the middle of a very dangerous car chase. However, I'm sure this is just a plot device to leave the Sue with a little sister and baby brother to cute things up without any annoying parents being around, or maybe an angst device, or both.
Comments 
31st-Jan-2010 09:53 am (UTC)
"Dresses exactly like L, except for her jeans being "tight""

Telltale sign of a Sue no. 83140: They look/dress/whatever JUST like the canon character they're paired up with.

This fic makes Dark Yagami look like canon.
31st-Jan-2010 07:27 pm (UTC)
Yeah.

And, of course she needs "tight" jeans for the sexy factor.
31st-Jan-2010 07:29 pm (UTC)
Not to mention the emo factor.

Also the suethor's name makes me wanna cringe.
31st-Jan-2010 07:46 pm (UTC)
With a name like that, I'm really surprised not to see any Twilight fanfic in her profile.
31st-Jan-2010 07:47 pm (UTC)
AAAAARGH! DON'T MAKE ME IMAGINE IT!

"hey my names esmeralda and im new to forks she said"

Edward was taken aback. "Why... WHY DOES SHE LOOK LIKE A GENDERBENT VERSION OF ME?!"
31st-Jan-2010 07:57 pm (UTC)
Or a crossover between Death Note and Twilight.

Though I have seen one of those that was good. But it was a comedy. "DeathLight" by icaughtkira.

I can't imagine a serious crossover could work. Especially not a Suethor-spawned one.
31st-Jan-2010 07:59 pm (UTC)
I once drew a pic on MSN to the effect of Light killing Edward prematurely, but I've yet to expand it into something funny.
31st-Jan-2010 10:24 am (UTC)
She has no pupils? HOW DOES SHE SEE.

D:

31st-Jan-2010 07:29 pm (UTC)
*sarcasm mode* Maybe she doesn't see, and that's how she fails to notice important things.
31st-Jan-2010 12:42 pm (UTC)
From what I can tell, her party-crashin' parents do get killed, so that's all good?

I like how the characters always eat super duper Japanese food for dinner every day. (LET US EAT SUSHI AND SUKIYAKI AND UDON!) I could better picture them eating, say, rice balls from a convenience store (more super duper Japanese-ness, I guess) or sandwiches, since I doubt L actually feels like feeding his task force.

Matsuda is not Marsura. D:
31st-Jan-2010 07:32 pm (UTC)
Plenty of people who visit foreign countries either fix their own native food or look for restaurants of their native country. Especially if they have a kid who is probably used to eating hamburgers or something.

I smell weeaboo.
31st-Jan-2010 01:15 pm (UTC)
"pupil-less soft blue eyes"

Her eyes are blue within blue because she’s addicted to the spice?

Is Near's cousin.

Couldn’t she just be another detective, though that’s a bad enough excuse for shoehorning an extra character into the series, without having to add in extra reasons why she should be involved?

the author's note confusingly says L and Light (aka Raito) are the same person

Since it doesn’t look like they’re talking about the persona of L later in the series are they going for some kind of The Secret of Sherlock Holmes scenario here? That would potentially have some merit… if only it hadn’t been done in the series itself.

For a detective who’s spent their time deliberately hiding their identity this Sue seems pretty unperturbed by revealing herself entirely while working on an investigation where the killer can do the deed with only a name and a face. Also, is there any indication that she’s been psychologically effected by being in L’s shadow later on? Because if she consistently has been told that she needs to aspire to be L that would explain the clothing choices out of neurosis. That said, it would also take a modicum of character analysis and setting awareness from the author to figure that out.

Edited at 2010-01-31 01:16 pm (UTC)
31st-Jan-2010 07:34 pm (UTC)
Yeah, the L described is obviously the first L, and there's no sign this is second arc, so she can't be talking about Light

*SPOILER*

stealing L's identity. So, I don't know what she's trying to say. Author notes are pretty random anyway. Maybe she just mistyped.
31st-Jan-2010 01:15 pm (UTC)
This is kinda flattering.Now L falls in love with himself,well,in chick form...sorta.

If they can't find anyone good enough,might as well make him fall for himself.It did work out for Narcissus...

Ok,I haven't slept a good 24 hours (work is work >.>) but why did she ask Near how he knew he was her cousin?

""How did you know Near was my cousin?" Remi asked Near." -meaning this,I'm guessing he'd know his own cousins?And why in the 3d sense?

L will not be pleased,I'm sure >.> how funny,the english "R" and "L"s usually get mixed up (sound alike? please correct me,I really don't speak japanese,but I've noticed) *shrugs* Must be fate.
31st-Jan-2010 03:26 pm (UTC)
There's no equivilent to 'L' in the Japanese alphabet so it's usually pronounced as 'R' (this happens in several other alphabets as well). I suspect it's probably deliberate that one of the main characters in a Japanese mystery story should choose as an alias a letter that, in the author's language (and L's as well since I think he's also meant to be Japanese), doesn't exist. There's probably an ironic message in there somewhere.
31st-Jan-2010 07:35 pm (UTC)
L is 25% Japanese by heritage, and though his background is largely a mystery, he seems to have spent more time living in Britain than anywhere else.
31st-Jan-2010 07:52 pm (UTC)
One of the problems with this is that canon already produces L clones: first Mello and Near, then B.

The canon L clones have a lot more personality than just about any fanfic OC, but it is still a process that has been done enough times that seeing it done yet again, by an amateur, is groan-inducing even before peeking at the fic to judge what the OC is actually like. Expectations are already low for a plot twist that has perhaps been overdone in canon itself.

And there are a number of fans who think that even the canon L clones should have never been produced, so seeing more fanfic OCs along the same lines is doubly painful.

Can the Death Note franchise do anything other than try to give us more imitations of L?
31st-Jan-2010 02:15 pm (UTC)
L could just see the sweat drop she had.

This irks me. I mean, really, really IRKS me!
I do love anime and all the weird anime-only things that happen, like sweat drops and random objects hitting you out of nowhere.
But gah, for some reason they feel so out of place when you WRITE them in a fanfiction. It is NOT as funny as seeing it.
31st-Jan-2010 04:23 pm (UTC)
What are you talking about? Sweatdrops are all the rage in town! No fanfiction scene is ever complete without one. Those who say it's annoying are just jealous of the Sue's perfection, badassery and ability to sweatdrop crystals!

... that hurt to write. To me this whole "sweatdropping" business screams weeaboo. It's a visual sign which expresses a reaction to something stupid/silly, not something that actually happens!
31st-Jan-2010 07:43 pm (UTC)
Yeah, if this had been a scene in person, it could have been mitigated by writing "A bead of sweat formed on her forehead" which is something that actually can happen. But, since it is imaginary, it just adds another level of ridiculousness to the whole scene, since L should never have seen anyone "sweatdropping" in his life and thus shouldn't be able to imagine it, especially on a face he's never seen.

Beyond this, Death Note is a highly realistic series, one of the most realistic in anime, and does not do sweat dropping or other things like that at all. So, even within the context of the anime, even if you pretend you're watching the anime instead of reading words on paper, this still doesn't fit.
31st-Jan-2010 11:45 pm (UTC)
Dresses exactly like L, except for her jeans being "tight"
And she has six suitcases full of clothes? Lolwut?
it's obvious the Sue has some kind of "make L stupid" magic ability
That's how Sues usually work.
and L being stupid and thinking that the Sue is unable to see who is standing in the room right in front of her.
Maybe he noticed she doesn't have pupils? Or the sweatdrops are not really sweat, but his intelligence leaking out somehow.
*facepalm* No, facepalm isn't enough... *pulls feet into chair* *faceknees*
1st-Feb-2010 06:20 pm (UTC)
Stupid!L makes me weep.
'Matsura'. What is this I don't even.
How the hell would the task force even know who Near is if L is still alive? Wouldn't it be more like this?
Remi: Near is my cousin lol
Task Force: That's nice, who's that?
Unless of course Stupid!L went around handing out names of the kids at Wammy's. Ugh. Pardon me, I have to go headdesk into oblivion.
1st-Feb-2010 07:10 pm (UTC)
Yes, this L is so stupid he has trouble finding things that are in his own pockets more than once.

If this had been a canon L quirk, I could have forgiven it, but it wasn't.
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